I spoke to a friend in his fifties the other day. He was beaten regularly as a child and he and his brother were both sexually abused. His mum kept the family together, then when he was ten his dad committed suicide.

Samuel had a rough life as a young man on the streets of Broken Hill. He got into fights, got the tattoos and rode the motor bikes. But apart from one incident very early on in his first relationship he has never been violent to women.

I asked him why not. ‘I discovered animals’ he said. ‘I love dogs’.

And he does. Sam has two dogs and I tell you what, if I was to ever come back as a dog I know whose house I would choose.

‘Dogs give you unconditional love’ says Sam. ‘No matter what you’ve done wrong. They have taught me a lot, you should get one’.

Maybe I will.

‘I hit my wife six weeks ago, I can’t forgive myself. I lost my temper and slapped her in the face. We arguing about something. I love her, I would never hurt her. She is the best thing that ever happened to me and I can’t live without her. She said she forgives me but I can tell by the way she looks at me she has lost some of her love for me’.

This guy says it all, he’s worried about losing his relationship, shocked that he hurt someone he cares about deeply, fearful and uncertain of what to do.

And he’s not alone. The degree of family violence in Australia is hard to measure. Many women often don’t report incidents, but around a third of Australian women are affected by family violence, mostly at the hands of men. That’s a lot of men hurting a lot of women.

Have you ever been violent against women? How would you advise men who are or have been violent? What is there to say that would give them practical help?

John is gathering information for the Men and Violence project, researching and writing about what violent men can do to make positive changes in their lives. We’re working with Relationships Australia Victoria on this. Over the next few weeks and months I’m going to be posting here, explaining what we’re finding, asking your opinion. Australian men need your thoughts, your opinions, whether you are a man or a woman.

We are moved by the many generous and inspiring ways in which men come forward to share their stories as they encounter and overcome difficulties in their lives.